Lorraine! Yoo hoo, can you hear me?  I wish you’d get Skype- I swear making me use my cell phone minutes to call you from Europe is beyond lame.  It is NOT hard Lorraine, honestly, you are such a luddite sometimes.  Anyway I’m in Vienna now.  You really should have come along- you’d like the Lippizanners- you always were one of those weird horsey girls.  That’s why you can’t form real relationships with men.   No, I don’t think I’m Dr. Freud now just because I’m in Vienna.  Although I’m sure he’d have something to say about your passive-aggression. Anyway, so far I’ve had some sacher torte and ridden the Reisenrad and… Lorraine!!! Gross! It’s a ferris wheel! Talk about Freudian.  But I must confess I have met a boy.  He’s just the sweetest! Well the other night he cooked me dinner in his flat- that’s what they are called here, Lorraine.  Just listen… well we had schnitzel mit knödel, no there were no cream colored ponies.  But see you ARE obsessed. Anyway just listen.  We had schnitzel and hot chocolate in a pot and something he called offal.  I didn’t like that so much, it was kinda slimy, but when in Rome, Lorraine.  I’m broadening my horizons: I like to think I’m a traveller not a mere tourist. What?  His name? It’s Robert.  Robert Ackermann.

What’s that? Well no it doesn’t really ring a bell. No, I haven’t been following the news-I’m busy having experiences, Lorraine.  The WHAT of Vienna?  The cannibal??!!  No, it can’t be, I’m sure it’s a very common name and I think I would know if I ate…YES, I’m well aware that it’s one of the last taboos- don’t turn the Freudian tables on me!!  Besides, you can’t be all that high and mighty- you kissed cousin Donny that one time and incest is the other…So what if you were six?  Anyway, we all have our little dietary quirks-I mean you and I eat peanut butter and bacon sandwiches.  Is it Lorraine, is it?  Tell me how it’s that different.  Anyway, just look at those rosy cheeks-I could eat him right up!  

I can change him.

Oh my gosh you guys, I’ve met someone and I really think this guy could be the one!  I know, I know, before you say anything, yes, it’s true, I’ve said it before.  But, for real, this guy is different.  Well, for one thing, he’s political. He told me he believes in propaganda by deed, spreading beliefs by direct action!  Of course, it’s sounds prettier when he says it.  He calls it  propagande par le fait.  Le sigh!  Did I mention, he’s French? Born in Paris, ooh la la!  But his mother was Italian.  Mama mia! That’s double the dreaminess! But anyways, yeah, I totally believe in direct action too, that’s why I signed up to drive old people to the polls to go vote for Obama and it’s really important to me that any guy I’m with also be committed to…what’s that?  Oh no, no, he’s not one of those.  They have smelly dreadlocks, eat out of trashcans and then throw the trashcans through Starbucks’ windows.  My Luigi is wearing a blazer and a turtleneck for pete’s sake.  No way he’s an anarchist!  No, uh-uh, you’re crazy- he has never once mentioned promoting physical violence against political enemies! Where are you getting this stuff!?  Excuse me!!?  How did YOU get his diary? No, I think it does matter, I think you’d better explain…. no I don’t want to read it, you can’t make me! It’s a violation, it’s…oh all right! Give it here.  Hmmm, “How I would like to kill someone — but it must be someone important so it gets in the papers.”  Um. Uh…FINE!  You’re right, okay. It does look like his handwriting but that doesn’t mean anything.  Like for instance, right now I want to kill You, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to….Oh.  Really? Nooo, Empress Sisi?  She’s like totally beloved, I can’t believe…No I don’t believe it.  I think it must be a different Luigi Lucheni.  Just look at him, those eyes can pierce right through you. NO, not like with a nail file, smart ass.  Anyway.

I can change him.

I  hate these sorts of mixers don’t you? I don’t even go to one of the Seven Sisters- I’m just here with my cousin, Lorraine. She goes to Wellesely. Oh a Harvard man, eh?  Well don’t tell my cousin she’ll be trying to marry you!  No. Not really.  Just a little joke. Uh well, now that you mention it I suppose she doesn’t particularly look like the type who would like to settle down in the woods. I can’t say I ever thought about it before.  Me?  Oh I don’t know. Depends.  Would I be able to get internet and cable?  I think I could be happy pretty much anywhere as long as I had my iPod and could watch YouTube videos. Ha Ha! Thank god for the internet, right? Anyway, what’s your major?  Math?  Wow, check out the big brain on…what’s your name again?  Check out the big brain on Ted!   So Ted, why don’t we trade digits and I’ll put them in my Blackberry.  No, silly!  It’s a phone!  How would I put numbers in a real blackberry? You are too much!  Anyway, just give me your cell numb…really? Um, that’s uh refreshing? So you have like a, what do they call those things?  Landline? You’re kidding me right?  Okay, not a big phone talker, I get it.  Well how about an email address? No email addy?!  Get out of here! No wait that’s just a figure of speech…come back! 

  Wow, Lorraine, I can see I have my work cut out for me.  No cell phone, no email, I bet he’s not even on facebook.  But he should be easy to find. I mean how many  Kaczynskis can there be at Harvard?  I know he’s quiet but he seems sweet and I think he’s into me.  When I told him my major was industrial engineering he asked for my home address! I even heard him whisper that I’m “da bomb.” Yes he did Lorraine! Look, I know he’s bit of an odd duck but just look at him. You could cut diamonds with that chin!

I can change him.  

Oh hey!  Yeah, hi. My friend here and I were just wondering if you’re the dude in that band? Stateless Peoples’ Orkestr?  No?  Well, wow, you really look like him, the concertina player.  Oh, you’re not in any band? Really?  That’s surprising.  Me? Well, yeah, I do.  In a couple of different projects- you probably haven’t heard of any of them. Anyway…wow, yes I am! How could you tell? Oh you’re a Capricorn too?  Ha, yeah, no, yeah, it’s true, we do like our little projects. Uh, no I don’t have a “plan” per se.  I don’t really know where I’ll be in 5 years.  How ’bout you?  What are you working on? Forced Collectivization and Rapid industrialization?  Hmmm, I don’t know, that doesn’t sound very good for the environment- I’m kinda really into the environment and stuff. Well, no, of course being “plundered with impunity” doesn’t sound fair, but those sound like pretty ambitious projects. How are you going to…WHAT!!!  How many???! 20+ million!!!! Uh, no, I gotta tell you,  I kinda feel like murdering even like ONE countryman is MAJORLY uncool. I’m not that kind of Capricorn.  Am I into what?! Check out these hips!  Do I look like I eat like a dozen cupcakes at once and then just throw them…EWWW. No I’m not into THAT kind of purging either. No, let’s just forget it, I don’t think…oh gosh. Well I’m sorry to hear that but you know, we all have our issues, maybe you just need some new interests.  Do you wanna come over later this week and hang out? I have Wii Rock Band.  Sweet- yeah just write your deets here.  Woah, Dzhugashvili!! How do you pronounce that? STALL-IN?  Huh, wouldn’t have guessed that. But whatever. Awesome- cool, see you later.

Um. Yeah.  So THAT was weird!  Did you hear all that?  I know-you’re not kidding!  Tall, dark and then-some is kinda wound up!  But did you hear him telling me his dad was a violent drunk?  I mean join the club though, right?  My dad killed my kitten by beating it to death with my puppy, and you don’t see me trying to wipe out the kulaks or whatever he was on about. But he did also say he got run over by a freaking horse and carriage, so that had to suck.   We’ll see.   I mean that hair, those eyes.

I can change him.

Me-OOW! It’s not every day you see a dreamy olden-times guy in what appears to be a Banana Republic sweater.  It’s enough to make me don a white lacy dress, grab a parasol and bang my head against a rock/doorjamb/low-hanging branch in an effort to be magically transported to the past.  It isn’t every Tom, Dick and Josiah who could excite such a response. Most dandies of yore leave me cold- I think it’s the muttonchops, frockcoats and pre-sunscreen craggy face.  But, yowza! There’s something different about this one- clean shaven, not a waistcoat in sight, and he appears to have hygiene that is acceptable to at least 20^th century standards.  Someone get Doc Brown on the horn: I gotta get back in time!

Well, yes I did notice the handcuffs.  Oh? I thought they were just a dash of Mapplethorpian frisson. Lincoln assassination conspirator? No you must be mistaken. You are thinking of Booth- this man’s name is Lewis Paine.  Ah Seward, you say.  Well, Seward didn’t die, he was just horribly disfigured, so…No I didn’t know that the attempted assassination was the least of his crimes. But I do know his father was a doctor and allegedly  he was kind to animals.  No, no, you are right, those are pretty bad but…just look at those eyes! 

I can change him.