I Can Change Him

*

Before you all say anything, I know, I know! It’s been such a long time, but I’m like totally touched that you all are here. And I’m totally willing to forget that butt call Lorraine made to me. Yes, Suzy, I heard you all saying I’m not a girl’s girl and I’m desperate and pathetic (though I’m sure I don’t know what being a communications major has to do with anything!) Don’t choke on your cheesecake pop, Suzy. It’s cool. I understand about projection. Anyway. It’s true, I fell deep into a love hole and I won’t apologize. Charles was the whole package. All-American, clean-cut, intelligent. Mostly though it was the little things, the little quirks: how he loved Planters peanuts and fruit cocktail in a can. I’m sorry I’m, I’m getting emotional, I’m just still in shock about everything. I guess there were signs that things weren’t quite right- he did drag that bloody deer corpse back to his dorm room. But you know hunting was his hobby and if people could see the state of my scrap-booking room…well let’s just say who am I to judge? So yes, I turned a blind eye to that, because we were so in love. I truly thought I was going to be his wife. But it couldn’t be because, because … I found out he was a monster! There was ALREADY a Mrs. Whitman!!! When I found out, he told me they wouldn’t be together much longer. But of course, I left him. I’m not an idiot after all.

Why yes, I did say Charles Whitman. Why do you ask? Yes of course that’s the reason I’m upset! A secret wife isn’t enough??? No, I haven’t heard anything else about him. I am strictly no contact right now-it’s called a break up because it’s broken Suzy. You’d do well to remember that with…? What! No, I don’t know anything about any mass shooting. What a thing to say, what a terrible joke. I mean, really. If I wasn’t a “girl’s girl” could anyone blame me? So catty and jealous! I just don’t believe it, not my Chuckles. He was an alter boy and an Eagle Scout and a Marine and sharpshooter….oh. Oh my god. But so you are saying he’s single now?

I can change him.

*

Surprise! Hey Mom and Dad! Woah, mom, relax it’s just me- Don’t have a thrombo! With the key in the old flower pot of course. Why would you move it? Anyway you didn’t, it was still there. Getting forgetful there mom. Time for a crossword puzzle a day with a gingko chaser I guess. So you guys WERE playing golf. You all weren’t here so I drove by the club but didn’t see the beemer there. The PUBLIC course? Ewwwwwwww? Why? Also where’s the beemer? Whose hyundai is that outside? Also, where’s most of the furniture and art and stuff? Are you guys remodeling? I mean you could have told me. Well whatever, we can talk about that later. Hopefully, over a meal- I can’t believe the slim pickings here. All I found was a wheel of cheese. Is this some weird South Beach thing? Anyway, here it goes. Mom and Dad, I have something to tell you. I know you’ve haven’t approved of all my choices, but I want you know I’m finally settling down. I’ve found a wonderful wonderful man. Dad, what’s wrong with mom? Why is she laughing like that? It’s totally creepy, is she back on the dolls? No, you’re right, I’m sorry, Mom, but just listen! He’s not like the others I swear! He’s successful and smart and he’s waiting outside. Come on in Bernie. Bernie, these are my parents. Mom and Dad, this is Bernie Madoff.

Oh my god! Oh my god! Mom! What is Dad doing! Let him go dad! He’s strangling Bernie! Get off him, Dad! Mom stop him! No STOP DAD! Hit dad with the golf club, not Bernie! What’s happening!? He did what? I can’t understand you! Dad, lost how much!? Okay, okay, that’s bad I admit. But let him go, his eyes are bulging. His beautiful brown puppy dog eyes…

I can change him.

*

No, this lounge chair is free, go right ahead. Me? I’m just here for a little R&R, some pampering you, know? And Sun City seemed like a happy sounding place. Okay, well if you must know, I’m just coming off a bad breakup and I just wanted to relax, plus all you South Africans have such cute accents! Oh, my bad, I just assumed…Liberia? No never heard of it- geography isn’t my thing. I majored in communications. Why are you laughing? Why does everyone laugh at that? No way! Get out of town, you went to Bentley! The one in Waltham, Mass? My brother went there- no lie! Seriously- Flex the Falcon and all that. It’s really a small world, sorry, what’s your name again? It’s really a small world, Chuck. Wait, Chuck Taylor, like the shoe? I love those shoes! Hey kids, watch out!! Those kids canon-balling into the pool just got water all over my bag! My new Sookie Stackhouse book is drenched…um WOW, is that a gun, no seriously, it’s not that big a deal, you don’t need to shoot them, just…Oh they’re with you? Are they all your kids? Child soliders? Hmm, no I don’t have any child soldiers myself, I’m not sure I understa…OH MY GOD what are they doing? Are they snorting COCAINE?!!! You gave it to them! Well, I mean sure, that’s your call, different customs and all I guess. Um, I think those gentlemen with the assault rifles, they’re your what? Okay well your bodyguards are trying to get your attention. Oh, it’s cool, I understand you have business to attend to- I mean you must sell a lot of shoes. Okay, yeah sure we could get a drink later, I…what? That’s totally random, but sure I know Mia Farrow. Nooooo I don’t know where she is right now. I don’t know her personally, if that’s what you mean. Yes I’m sure! Oh well i don’t know if I’d call her that. I don’t know what she’s like as a person but I liked Purple Rose of Cairo well enough, I thought that…oh right, yes go ahead, see you later. What’s this? A present, I couldn’t take…um okay. Bye I guess. Weird.

Yoo hoo! Could I get another pina colo…hey are you okay? Why are you shaking? Yeah that was him, the shoe guy. I guess you can borrow my cell phone, the number for the Hague? No, pretty sure it’s not in my contacts list. A war criminal? No you must be mistaken, he sells shoes. Good Lord, is that true? How awful! Well he did seem a little off- he threw a bag of dirty rocks at me, see? They’re what?!!!!! I think you mean “bloody amazing” diamonds!

I can change him.

*

Hi there! So I think I’m lost. Is this the Coconut Grove? My friend here and I are supposed to be meeting the girls there for a bachelorette party but I only see dudes here (not that I’m complaining, haha). Bohemian Grove? What’s that? Oh, you, can’t tell me because you’d have to kill me? Cute very cute. Oh, stop, well you’re kinda cute too. So what are you doing later? Mock human sacrifice and choosing the next president? Well, whatever floats your boat Dick! You’re funny. Sure you can call me later, but as you can see my friend here is apparently really anxious to get a move on. You and your friends have a great night. Whoa is that a giant owl? Y’all crazy!

Well gosh, could you have been any ruder? What’s your damage? What are you talking about, armed guards in the trees? I didn’t see any of that- did you get started early with the mojitos? No, I didn’t recognize him, should I? No that name doesn’t mean anything to me. Blackwater? Isn’t that a Doobie Brothers song? Ha, which Doobie you be? Remember that? Remember that from “What’s Happening?!” Ha Rerun was a trip! Woah! Uncool! Maybe you are the idiot? Ever thought of that? Like right now you are saying like English words, but you aren’t making any sense. Man. Sized. Safe. Seriously, what does that mean? Are you having a stroke or something? Yeah I take it back now you aren’t even speaking English. What kinda made up word is Halliburton? Oh yeah, I really doubt that, but if his friend was being a massive bitch like you are right now, I would have shot him in the face too. Seriously, jealousy isn’t cute on you, are you like “taking Carrie to the prom” right now, or something? War crimes! Where are you getting this stuff? Jesus, I’m trying to drive, get your damn iPhone out of my face. Yeah I see it, I can read. Torture is all relative you know. You’re torturing me at the moment so don’t get so high and mighty about the Geneva Situation or whatever. For reals though he’s not that cute, but whatever a rebound is rebound.

I can change him.

*

Lorraine! Yoo hoo, can you hear me? I wish you’d get Skype- I swear making me use my cell phone minutes to call you from Europe is beyond lame. It is NOT hard Lorraine, honestly, you are such a luddite sometimes. Anyway I’m in Vienna now. You really should have come along- you’d like the Lippizanners- you always were one of those weird horsey girls. That’s why you can’t form real relationships with men. No, I don’t think I’m Dr. Freud now just because I’m in Vienna. Although I’m sure he’d have something to say about your passive-aggression. Anyway, so far I’ve had some sacher torte and ridden the Reisenrad and… Lorraine!!! Gross! It’s a ferris wheel! Talk about Freudian. But I must confess I have met a boy. He’s just the sweetest! Well the other night he cooked me dinner in his flat- that’s what they are called here, Lorraine. Just listen… well we had schnitzel mit knödel, no there were no cream colored ponies. But see you ARE obsessed. Anyway just listen. We had schnitzel and hot chocolate in a pot and something he called offal. I didn’t like that so much, it was kinda slimy, but when in Rome, Lorraine. I’m broadening my horizons: I like to think I’m a traveller not a mere tourist. What? His name? It’s Robert. Robert Ackermann.

What’s that? Well no it doesn’t really ring a bell. No, I haven’t been following the news-I’m busy having experiences, Lorraine. The WHAT of Vienna? The cannibal??!! No, it can’t be, I’m sure it’s a very common name and I think I would know if I ate…YES, I’m well aware that it’s one of the last taboos- don’t turn the Freudian tables on me!! Besides, you can’t be all that high and mighty- you kissed cousin Donny that one time and incest is the other…So what if you were six? Anyway, we all have our little dietary quirks-I mean you and I eat peanut butter and bacon sandwiches. Is it Lorraine, is it? Tell me how it’s that different. Anyway, just look at those rosy cheeks-I could eat him right up!

I can change him.

*

Oh my gosh you guys, I’ve met someone and I really think this guy could be the one! I know, I know, before you say anything, yes, it’s true, I’ve said it before. But, for real, this guy is different. Well, for one thing, he’s political. He told me he believes in propaganda by deed, spreading beliefs by direct action! Of course, it’s sounds prettier when he says it. He calls it propagande par le fait. Le sigh! Did I mention, he’s French? Born in Paris, ooh la la! But his mother was Italian. Mama mia! That’s double the dreaminess! But anyways, yeah, I totally believe in direct action too, that’s why I signed up to drive old people to the polls to go vote for Obama and it’s really important to me that any guy I’m with also be committed to…what’s that? Oh no, no, he’s not one of those. They have smelly dreadlocks, eat out of trashcans and then throw the trashcans through Starbucks’ windows. My Luigi is wearing a blazer and a turtleneck for pete’s sake. No way he’s an anarchist! No, uh-uh, you’re crazy- he has never once mentioned promoting physical violence against political enemies! Where are you getting this stuff!? Excuse me!!? How did YOU get his diary? No, I think it does matter, I think you’d better explain…. no I don’t want to read it, you can’t make me! It’s a violation, it’s…oh all right! Give it here. Hmmm, “How I would like to kill someone — but it must be someone important so it gets in the papers.” Um. Uh…FINE! You’re right, okay. It does look like his handwriting but that doesn’t mean anything. Like for instance, right now I want to kill You, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to….Oh. Really? Nooo, Empress Sisi? She’s like totally beloved, I can’t believe…No I don’t believe it. I think it must be a different Luigi Lucheni. Just look at him, those eyes can pierce right through you. NO, not like with a nail file, smart ass. Anyway.

I can change him.

*

I hate these sorts of mixers don’t you? I don’t even go to one of the Seven Sisters- I’m just here with my cousin, Lorraine. She goes to Wellesely. Oh a Harvard man, eh? Well don’t tell my cousin she’ll be trying to marry you! No. Not really. Just a little joke. Uh well, now that you mention it I suppose she doesn’t particularly look like the type who would like to settle down in the woods. I can’t say I ever thought about it before. Me? Oh I don’t know. Depends. Would I be able to get internet and cable? I think I could be happy pretty much anywhere as long as I had my iPod and could watch YouTube videos. Ha Ha! Thank god for the internet, right? Anyway, what’s your major? Math? Wow, check out the big brain on…what’s your name again? Check out the big brain on Ted! So Ted, why don’t we trade digits and I’ll put them in my Blackberry. No, silly! It’s a phone! How would I put numbers in a real blackberry? You are too much! Anyway, just give me your cell numb…really? Um, that’s uh refreshing? So you have like a, what do they call those things? Landline? You’re kidding me right? Okay, not a big phone talker, I get it. Well how about an email address? No email addy?! Get out of here! No wait that’s just a figure of speech…come back!

Wow, Lorraine, I can see I have my work cut out for me. No cell phone, no email, I bet he’s not even on facebook. But he should be easy to find. I mean how many Kaczynskis can there be at Harvard? I know he’s quiet but he seems sweet and I think he’s into me. When I told him my major was industrial engineering he asked for my home address! I even heard him whisper that I’m “da bomb.” Yes he did Lorraine! Look, I know he’s bit of an odd duck but just look at him. You could cut diamonds with that chin!

I can change him.

*

Oh hey! Yeah, hi. My friend here and I were just wondering if you’re the dude in that band? Stateless Peoples’ Orkestr? No? Well, wow, you really look like him, the concertina player. Oh, you’re not in any band? Really? That’s surprising. Me? Well, yeah, I do. In a couple of different projects- you probably haven’t heard of any of them. Anyway…wow, yes I am! How could you tell? Oh you’re a Capricorn too? Ha, yeah, no, yeah, it’s true, we do like our little projects. Uh, no I don’t have a “plan” per se. I don’t really know where I’ll be in 5 years. How ’bout you? What are you working on? Forced Collectivization and Rapid industrialization? Hmmm, I don’t know, that doesn’t sound very good for the environment- I’m kinda really into the environment and stuff. Well, no, of course being “plundered with impunity” doesn’t sound fair, but those sound like pretty ambitious projects. How are you going to…WHAT!!! How many???! 20+ million!!!! Uh, no, I gotta tell you, I kinda feel like murdering even like ONE countryman is MAJORLY uncool. I’m not that kind of Capricorn. Am I into what?! Check out these hips! Do I look like I eat like a dozen cupcakes at once and then just throw them…EWWW. No I’m not into THAT kind of purging either. No, let’s just forget it, I don’t think…oh gosh. Well I’m sorry to hear that but you know, we all have our issues, maybe you just need some new interests. Do you wanna come over later this week and hang out? I have Wii Rock Band. Sweet- yeah just write your deets here. Woah, Dzhugashvili!! How do you pronounce that? STALL-IN? Huh, wouldn’t have guessed that. But whatever. Awesome- cool, see you later.

Um. Yeah. So THAT was weird! Did you hear all that? I know-you’re not kidding! Tall, dark and then-some is kinda wound up! But did you hear him telling me his dad was a violent drunk? I mean join the club though, right? My dad killed my kitten by beating it to death with my puppy, and you don’t see me trying to wipe out the kulaks or whatever he was on about. But he did also say he got run over by a freaking horse and carriage, so that had to suck. We’ll see. I mean that hair, those eyes.

I can change him.

*

Me-OOW! It’s not every day you see a dreamy olden-times guy in what appears to be a Banana Republic sweater. It’s enough to make me don a white lacy dress, grab a parasol and bang my head against a rock/doorjamb/low-hanging branch in an effort to be magically transported to the past. It isn’t every Tom, Dick and Josiah who could excite such a response. Most dandies of yore leave me cold- I think it’s the muttonchops, frockcoats and pre-sunscreen craggy face. But, yowza! There’s something different about this one- clean shaven, not a waistcoat in sight, and he appears to have hygiene that is acceptable to at least 20^th century standards. Someone get Doc Brown on the horn: I gotta get back in time!

Well, yes I did notice the handcuffs. Oh? I thought they were just a dash of Mapplethorpian frisson. Lincoln assassination conspirator? No you must be mistaken. You are thinking of Booth- this man’s name is Lewis Paine. Ah Seward, you say. Well, Seward didn’t die, he was just horribly disfigured, so…No I didn’t know that the attempted assassination was the least of his crimes. But I do know his father was a doctor and allegedly he was kind to animals. No, no, you are right, those are pretty bad but…just look at those eyes!

I can change him.

I Can Change Him

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